dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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