Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize