i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
