Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
