I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize