im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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