I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
