Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
