Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
