My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
