well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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