he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
