My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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