Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
