It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize