Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
