My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
