Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize