Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
