Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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