i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
