ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
