I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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