our cab driver is having phone sex.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
