dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
