I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
