If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
