last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize