my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
