I just pynch a tree in the face
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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