I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
