dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
