Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
