I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
