Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
