apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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