If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize