FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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