Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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