So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
