Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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