The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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