I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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