I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
