I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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