So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
