The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
