so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
