There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
