bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Another day, another engagement, another cat
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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