she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
