When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So here I am, sexting at work.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize