I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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