i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
