Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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